675 Where do I go from here?

Dear Family and Friends,
I've got to admit I've not been as fervent in talking to God as I was when I was begging for Nan's life and for God's guidance and timing. Yet we talk and I am struck by the fact that I am still here, barely standing but still here non the less. OK God, where do I go from here? What would you like me to do that would help people, use the skills and talents you have given me, what next? Its a question that I suppose time will answer.
What I do know at this moment is that I miss my precious baby, I miss her voice, her tender thoughts, her saying when I came in tired, come and sit by me for awhile, relax, glad you are home safe! Yet just at a time when I was missing that tonight Sharon called from Texas, she was very tired and ready to crash, had inspectors all day and passed so her license for her adult day care facility is good for yet another year, yea for that! She and Rick do a great job for the people who trust them, what an operation. Her words were so welcome and sweet, suddenly I was not so alone.
When I got home I had made dinner, green beans, a mac and cheese in the microwave, cottage cheese and two tomatoes from Nan's plants on the back deck, remember the bale of straw, well it is still putting out tomatoes. Now I'm at my desk and sipping a hot drink and reviewing what I need to complete tonight and prepare for tomorrow.
This morning I rose early, left the house at 6:30 and drove 2 hours to the first little house in Madera. Cute as a bug, clean and fresh, no problem at all. I met Bob Johnson there. He orders appraisals for that area as he lives in Oakhurst, near the entrance to Yosemite National Park. Bob is a great guy and very loyal, he hugged me hard since this is the first time we have met since Nan passed away. Later we hooked up in Oakhurst where he bought me lunch and we picked out comps for the next appraisal, a 2 acre ranch near town. The dear owner had lost her husband a year ago so we had lots to talk about. It was pouring rain the entire I measured her home and I slipped but did not fall in the mud which was everywhere. Then the next hour was taken in finding the comparables sales since all are located on small little roads over a 6 mile radius. Then I could head home at last. By getting out so early this morning I was able to do the work and still have lots of light to start home.
A dear friend and fellow choir member Clair Johnson had a carotid artery surgery near Thanksgiving. I had known but could not get there, now I was driving right by so I took a chance and drove to he and Beverly's beautiful home in Ceres. They were there and we had a great visit, he is doing so well and make slow but gradual progress back to health.
Then back into the car and the yellow light was on, I needed diesel. I thought I could make it home but it started acting strange as I neared Stockton so I stopped and it was 20 cents cheaper than Discovery Bay. Which credit card to use? Which one would work? One had failed to cover the cost of a drink at Taco Bell, yikes.
So now I'm home and I'm getting used to it being 64 degrees. This evening I have to scan and email over the reports I have seen today to my writer, Jean. She makes sense out of my scratching and notes and helps put the reports together. Then to bed as I'm pretty tired.
Tomorrow morning I have to be in Sacramento at 8:30 so another early day out the door, then a Rancho Cordova, then back to Livermore before hooking up with Jason and Jo at John and Justine's home just above San Jose to celebrate Jo's birthday which is actually the 25Th. John also has a birthday so the dinner will be for both. I would guess that by the time I finish up there I'll be pretty tired again.
I've tried to pull out the stops this week and see as many properties as I can. God has granted me several orders and I've even had some for Heather to cover on a rush basis. It has been a very busy week and when one is this busy then one does not think so much and feel sorry for himself. I just miss her, there is no sugar coating that at all. She was huge in my life, I admired her, feared her, listened to her, watched her and loved her with all I knew how to give. By the end she knew that I loved her deeply and completely, all the stupid stuff from our early married years was forgotten and gone, she knew who I loved and it was here. But when you invest your whole heart into someone and work night and day to save their life but eventually have to say good night it is just hard to let go.
I've deeply appreciated the words written to the blog, I find myself reading them over and over to fill the void, they are so supportive and positive and so touch my heart. I often cry but that is no longer an issue, when I need to cry I just do, I know it will pass and I'll feel better but tired after I cry.
I'm so glad that Steve and Nikki can be spending this time to recover and heal with Keanna there in Kona. What has happened hurts, there is no short cut around it. Jason and Jo have been so busy that they too have been coping well with the healing process.
I can't encourage you enough to say things when you think of them to your spouse, don't hold back for fear that laying out your heart might make you weaker or something, just take the plunge, let them know how much you need them and treasure them. Cut the bickering time short and hand holding long.
Yes I am busy, yes I am coping, yes I do miss her terribly and life will go on.
I can't remember when I've been so strapped financially as now. In a short time a small life insurance policy will be settled but for now it is tight. Seems like clients have lost my address but the bills sure seem to get here. At least I know that by putting lots of appraisals on the books right now that money will be coming in eventually! Please pray that God will help with mundane things like bills over the next couple days.
I've enjoyed talking to many clients today and to my friend Arthur several times. What a golden friend he is and with Connie at his side they both have been a great help to our family. Jason has called to but he sounds so tired. I think we are both ready for Hawaii, to rest, to heal.

I send my love and thanks for sharing this trip with me.

love

tim
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