Nan Mustard's Recovery

This blog is a record of Erin (Nan) Mustard's recovery.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Sabbath rest

Dear Family and Friends,
It is 10:30 and I've had a quiet evening at home with popcorn, hot drinks, CSI and the doggies at my heels. I've been preparing appraisals for clients and once again trying to catch up with my desk which seems to grow when I am away. I'm trying to keep up with everything that comes in the mail, all the faxes, the emails, the appraisals, the new orders, the conditions on old orders and keep in mind I am leaving Monday afternoon for Hawaii.
Today I slept in until after 7 am. Then to church in Tracy for awhile until I lost my seat, it was a full house and beautiful, a children's play about Christmas, good stuff as Steve would say, good stuff.
This evening I took the sheets off the bed in the motor home, dumped the tanks here at the house and then drove it to get some gas and then to its parking place on the other side of Discovery Bay. Since I have no one to pick me up I took my bike. Well its quite a ways home and by then it had gotten dark. So I rode home in the very cold air and in the dark. It was an experience that I won't repeat soon. As I rode home my heart did not like the cold but I made it and after a warm drink I felt better.
This evening Ken, our tax man and next door neighbor came over with a revised 2005 tax return. He has lowered the amount I owe by quite a bit and the reports are now ready to mail in. Gradually things are getting caught up. When the insurance check arrives I will be able to make things right with several people who have helped in special ways and also pay the AMEX what I owe. I think it might easily be two weeks yet before it is finalized.
If I had any advice to people who are totally healthy, take time to pretend you are not healthy and think things through, do you have enough coverage to care for unknowns? Do you have a plan?
Tomorrow will be a tough day for the Ahn family, every day for the past week has been difficult. I have a sense of what Sylvia, Kevin and Michael are going through and its not easy or pleasant. Yet there are no shortcuts in dealing, coping with a loss of a loved one, you can function, go through the motions but a very big part of your being remains at a loss. People who hug, call, write, reach out, offer to help, people make a huge difference. People cannot fill the hole in your heart, the quiet in your home, the moment when you reach for the phone to call home to say hi and you can't, the right person is no longer there. Friends and family cannot do it all but what they do helps spin off the clock, makes time pass, allows time to begin healing. People matter, they really do.
I was called out of church today by Julius Melendez, the great horn player that came for the graveside service, he just wanted to know how I was doing, how I was coping, to express once again his sorrow at never meeting Nan. It was a nice call and I appreciate it.
Sometimes I think I cannot handle this, I have never liked to be alone. Nan loved to be alone and to do her own thing for hours at a time, I have never enjoyed being alone, my idea of an ideal situation would be to have a 6 bedroom home and have guests all the time, playing games, eating, watching movies, reading in quiet parts of the house, sitting on the back deck by the lake, that to me is real living, that is why I enjoy the spring time when Dana and Ronnie come to visit and hopefully Sharon and Marilyn and Jan can come next spring and use the house as a base as they enjoy Tahoe, San Francisco, the beach. So I find it very hard to handle, the being alone, its not what I do best so that is what I need to learn the most, finding joy in being alone. God will have to help me with that one and I know He will.
Now I am sleepy, the little heater at my feet is doing a nice job of warming an area about 2 feet on each side of me, beyond that it is 62 degrees. Yes I know, I have contacted someone about fixing the heating system. Over the years several really good people have taken a look at it and thought they had it fixed only to find out a few hours later it is blowing cold air again.
Today the good old US Government came through. Out of the kindness of their heart they mailed a check for $255 to help with the $11,000 +/- expenses of the funeral and burial. Well its $255 I would not have had so I am grateful. They have also let me know that they will be paying one more month of disability for the full month of November, that will help too.
I'm trying to do a balancing act between buying fuel for work, keeping payroll covered, buying a few gifts for Christmas, buying a little food here or there, the Texas Family left so much food that for the most part I am still eating pretty well. I am also trying to keep credit cards, data sources, utilities, phone bills sort of up to date. There is so little money to work with that the stretch sometimes does not quite keep up with the balance at the bank.
I am grateful for this day of rest and worship, I am grateful I made it home in the dark on my bike in the cold and I do look forward to seeing the family again tomorrow and then the next day in Hawaii.
God is good, life is drab and painful, the future seems a very long ways off and the memories of my beautiful and loving Nan are precious. I had the best and I am so proud of her for all she did, for all she stood for, for her loving ways.

Good night friend, family, fellow GISTer

love

tim

4 Comments:

  • At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Bob & Carrol. said…

    Hi Tim,

    Thanks for the lift on the blog this morning, You are the best at "Short & to the Point Sermons"

    God is watching over Us and will give the Strength that each of Us needs when We need it the most.

    The Holidays are always a mixed blessing it seems of "Happy Times" and Remberance of some "Not So Good Moments". It seems that so many have experenced great personal losses around the Holiday Time frame. Maybe its the Lord's way of letting Us know as We remember His Birth that He is holding Us in His Almighty Hand too.

    We have a Cousin & Her Father(My Uncle) meeting Us for Brunch this morning. We have not seen them since Feb when they were here to pick up the Mercury that We sold them to Drive back to Tn. Since then Uncle Arly has lost His Dear Wife Helen(My Fathers Youngest Sister) . She was almost like a Big Sister to Me as a Young Child back in Mn. We were only 6 Years apart in age. We will meet again some day soon when the Lord calls Us Home to be together with Him. Wat a "Grand Hope" We all share for that Day to come soon!

    Have a good day Tim and a safe Trip to the Islands.

    We are Praying for Sylvia and Her Family at this most trying time. God will Sustain them.

    Love to You & Yours,

    Bob & Carrol.

     
  • At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Safe and Happy Holidays to each of you who read the blog!

    I will have 23 for Christmas Dinner and wish I could have each of you, too. I trust you will all have some family with you and God's presence in your home.

    Tim, we'll all be thinking of you while you are with the kids and pray for a safe trip to and from.

    We should each try and do something special for someone without them knowing who did it. It is so much fun, and I think this is one of the best parts of the Christmas Season.

    Know that I love each of you and thank each of you for what you have done over the past years for our family.

    Love and prayers to Sylvia and the boys. Know we are praying for you.

    Love to all,

    Sharon

     
  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous roger and carol said…

    Hmmmm ~ I thought I wrote in the blog this a.m. already??? Am I losing it or what? I went to Wal-Mart at 6:45a.m. trying to beat the rush and it was already there! I had to buy groceries and a couple of last minute little stuff. I hate the crowds and I really don't like shopping anytime. (sorry Nan)

    Yesterday we went to a progressive dinner all afternoon ~ 4 stops then we had to go to a wedding reception after that. By the time I got home I didn't care if I ever ate any rich or sweet food again!!! Don't get me wrong ~ it was delicious. My tummy wasn't very happy though. Tonight is our Church Christmas party. I think we'll skip the New Year's party. Are we getting old maybe?

    Dad and Barbara will be coming over tomorrow evening for our traditional Christmas Eve potato soup in Christmas dishes Then we'll open a few gifts and visit by the fire. We'll pick them up and deliver them home safely this time. At nearly 93 Dad isn't supposed to drive at night and Barbara doesn't like to. We'll help keep them legal and safe.

    You continue to be in our thoughts. I know when you hear of families being together and remember your Christmases past it brings a flood of memories and pain. Hang in there! It well get better. It's just all too soon.

    We love you ~ Carol

     
  • At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    BE ON THE LOOK OUT TIM MAY HAVE GONE OVER TO THE DARK SIDE!


    Late yesterday Tim turned in his motor home for a bike. Tim the biker dude. Doesn't have much of a ring too it. But it has happened, I just hope we can get to him before its too late and he gets a tatoo on his chest.

    Reports are coming in from the BLOG that he was out late at night in the dark biking around making some hearts flutter. Along with these reports come news that he has developed a stong desire to drink.

    Don't let this happen friends. Keep Tim at home answering all those e-mails and cards and letters and phone calls and telegrams and smoke signals and other messages. I know we can help him back to (normal really doesn't fit here so I'll use) his happy self. Come on team we can do it yes we can!

    Wes

     

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