Its a tough time right now....

Dear Friends and Family,

This evening my emotions are scrambled. Of course they relate to how Nan is doing and what is happening to her. She has had a very low key day with mostly bed rest, several episodes of vomiting, liquid diet only today, mostly water. In spite of the water making her vomit she continues to drink knowing that she needs to avoid getting dehydrated. Nan was up about every two hours last night wrestling with pain and or nausea. She has been running a low grade fever of about 100 for a couple days and has not felt good since late sunday afternoon when things starting to fall apart for her. She is braving her way through the current situation like she always does but is very tired, hopefully todays rest helped her.

We have a big day tomorrow which was supposed to be a meet and greet meeting with Dr. Warren, Dr. Bertagnolli's friend and fellow surgeon who practices at UCSF. However our meeting will be more important since we have a CT scan CD to take to him from Saturday in Concord and the radiologist report that was faxed to us this afternoon. What is weighing on our mind like a mack truck is whether there are new tumors growing. I read the report that was in our fax but I can't really understand what it is saying and the radiologist was handicaped in that all he had to refer back to was a CT taken in April of this year before the June 6 surgery in Boston. Dr. Warren should have a copy of the CT scan that was done about 1 and 1/2 months to 2 months ago in Boston near the time we left the hospital. At that time there was no new activity but with the extreme pain nan is now having in her lower back our thoughts go to last year at this time when a tumor was causing so much grief that we had to do radiation on it. So we have Nan feeling terrible, running a low fever, possible new tumor growth, and now a long trip to the city to the Dr. Our dear friend Irene is going to meet us there and help us find our way around and we really appreciate that very much.

I've been trying to work around the medical stuff and take good care of Nan as well as produce appraisals. I try to go see properties when she is sleeping as she was this afternoon. I'm so glad that people call, mary, sharon and possibly others that I don't know about, keep it up please, it lifts nan's spirits so much to talk to her family and friends.

This morning when Gerry and went to Stockton to see a house Keanna and Steve came over to visit. Keanna made her way up the stairs and opened grammies door and in a little voice asked her if she was awake, when Nan said yes Keanna started talking to her and asked her if she could come down stairs for awhile, Nan said yes and they had a great time together. They were still here when we got back so Gerry and I got to see she and Steve as well.

Nan and I both can't find enough positive words to describe our thanks for Barb and Gerrys visit. It was a last minute love trip for them and they helped us in so many ways, food, games, cleaning, planning, getting rid of trash, cleaning and more food. They are such a help in so many ways, we always just cry when we see them load up and go home and yup it happened to me again today. Barb is so good with nan and has been a friend for so long that they just click well together. Gerry is a very positive help to me too, we talk about important things and that helps a lot. Gerry rearranged the garage so now two cars can be parked inside and lots of non essential stuff is gone. Steve and Nikki helped a lot too by taking things that can be sold or given to other parents of little children.

My faith is more than quart low tonight. Nan and I both know knowledge is the best thing because then you start to dig and plan to meet the new challenges but I long for Nan to feel better, to get to start enjoying life after the the long journey she has been on for the past year. I am asking from the bottom of my heart that you remember Nan in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. We seek God's will and trust that He will do the right things in Nan. We long for peace and lack of pain and suffering, to be able to enjoy a good meal without regrets later, to be able to take short trips to places we love and to visit people we miss so much.

How we look forward to Sharon's visit which begins next tuesday. God has surrounded us with solid, faithful, loving people and we treasure every one of them.

Compounding our situation is many of the deferred things we put off while in Boston are coming due now. We are stretching every penny as far as we can and so far we are getting most things paid not too far behind their due dates. However in 3 days our house payments are due again, God has been blessing with lots of work and some checks nearly every day but so far they have not caught up with the needs caused by a couple months away. I do not know how to balance Nan's needs against something as mundane as appraisals yet producing appraisals keeps the roof over our heads, food, fuel and car payments made. I find it a very difficult challenge to leave here and go see properties and leave Nan alone. She is not complaining at all and we do have people she can call if she needs help but after Boston where I was there for 54 days meeting only her needs this seems so foreign and wrong somehow. Am I being blunt enough? I just don't have all the answers right now.

However at this moment Nan needs a new TPN bag prepared for her nutrition and hydration so I will bring this to a close. I know we will know more tomorrow night about a lot of things. Dr. Warren is going to make a decision regarding the wound vac tomorrow and we think he will say yes. That will help the closing wound get finished and we are told Nan will feel better when that happens. We will have a better idea about tumor growth and what to do about it if there is new growth. We will have a surgical friend on the west coast with an excellent reputation to turn to.

Please pray, thank you for praying.

love

tim and nan